Ham-STAR — Feature Creep

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This song is a brief description of how this song came together. Even if you’ve already voted or prefer to vote for another rapper, please read the lyrics and enjoy the full mp3.

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“Feature Creep”

So, Ham-STAR, you should record something for this Nerdcore Rising SongFight contest.
You just have to send in an mp3 that has you talking on it.

And if you have a little extra time,
It’d be cool if you could sneak in the occasional rhyme.
Oh, and as long as you’ve got this mp3 you’re gonna give ‘em,
It wouldn’t really hurt if you spoke in a rhythm.
And you know what else would be sort of neat?
Would you mind terribly just adding a beat?

‘Cause that would be sweet. I mean, after all,
You don’t have to do it, it’s your call.
It’s just the word we got from the marketing department,
Said that’s what we should do, and they’re the smart men.
Here’s our last feature request, I mean it.
Add some movie quotes. (Anybody want a peanut?)
The data from the pre-release version that we tried
Says we should add more quotes from the princess bride (Inconceivable!)

These are ideas I thought I should mention,
I don’t want to add features that cause too much tension.
But then some people said we need internal rhyme.
Can that get through the churn in time? Then I’m burnin’ mine,
By which I mean my old copy of the spec list,
It was sloppy and feckless, now we’ve got to correct this,
I respect this song didn’t start out with a chorus,
But our customers expect one, so we really can’t ignore this.

(I mean, it doesn’t have to be fancy or anything, but we really are going to need a chorus of some sort just before we put this song into beta. You understand, right?)

CHORUS
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Feature Creep is not a sin
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Feature Creep is not a sin

Frontalot homage on this verbal Crime Spree
Each title I stole for this Special Delivery
A bag of Braggadocio I’ll share in your face
This Old Man is a Charity Case
Unless you’re Better At Rapping, you can’t Front The Most
Rewind That Back, Start Over, Listen Close:
Evidently we’re going to need some special effects.
Cathedral – Flange – Spring – Yes!
Rev up the soundboard, Double the vox
Echo (echo echo ) filter really rocks
Everyone knows by this time that I’ve lost it
Please go back and make these lines an Acrostic.
Toss it so the letters have a message that they spell
If people read it vertically, they’re sure to see it well.
May I make a verse fashioned to impose rules sly
Every lettered component numbers digitally: It’s Pi!

(In that last couplet, I want each word to have a number of letters corresponding to the next digit of pi. And the whole verse should be an acrostic. And can you have that done by five?)

CHORUS
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Feature Creep is not a sin
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Feature Creep is not a sin

The song should sound clever, but not too rehearsed.
You should disperse bursts of terse verse, but first,
We need to improve your set.
Add a barbershop quartet.
That sounds lovely, we’re starting to get this,
But I think it would be better if your accent was British

That’s good, but can I ask you a favor,
It should have more international flavor,
Perhaps you would savor le rap en francais?
Tu peut etre le mec comme MC Soleil. Okay?

Mon ami, use more languages, that way,
Igpay Atlinlay itsfay ethay apray.
I SHALL ALSO OWN THE BEST GUARANTEES; DAMN!
THESE LAST TWO LINES SHOULD BE AN ANAGRAM.

(Alright, that’s three languages, two anagrammed lines, one British accent, and the barbershop quartet. I think we’ve got something here.)

CHORUS
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Eaturefay Eepcray n’est pas une sin
Features Keep on Creepin’ In
But Feature Creep is not a sin

This song’s alright, and it sounds fairly pretty, so
would you mind quickly mocking up a little video?

(No dude, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.)